No.

I'm not good looking.
I'm not spontaneous.
I'm not good at art.
I'm not good at skateboarding.
I'm not good at making friends.
I'm not good at keeping friends.
I'm not good with people.
I'm not good at writing.
I'm not good at talking.
I'm not good at photography.
I'm not good at music.
I'm not smart.
I'm not self-confident.
I'm not cool.
I'm not good at relationships.
I'm just bad.
At everything.
And I'm finding it harder and harder to keep going.

I feel sorry.

Hey guys.

This is half blog, half formal apology.

Lately, I've been feeling really lonely. More so than the usual. I don't really know how/want to explain. But I'm just overwhelmed by a sense that
1) If I'm around certain people, I get all elitist-ey and feel like I'm too good to be in their presence, or
2) I'll be around certain people and think I'm not even close to being cool in their presence, and by even associating myself with them, I'm suffocating them, like "Who is this loser? Why does he keep texting me? What's his deal?"

If I'm doing this to you, I'm sincerely sorry.

So, that's how I'm feeling. I've got my saddest playlist going, and I'm thinking a lot. So I'll probably hate myself in the morning. Night, y'all.

All I want.

All I want is for someone to sing me this song. And like, mean it.

http://youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?v=kNAFCEbU7xk

Not like this. Not now.

I've never felt so alone. I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it's making me feels so isolated. Maybe that's not the right word. I think alone is better. It's simple.

It's probably because I'm different than I used to be, or at least I feel like I am. It seems to me that I've been too choosy about who my friends are, and the friends I'm choosing are subtly shooting me in the foot. I accept it because I think I'm enjoying their company, when in fact I'm enjoying the image I'm giving off by associating myself with them. I realized this for the first time today, and so my immediate instinct was to be more open in who I let into my life. But I've made an observation. They've changed me. Whether they know it or not. I can't just let any kid be my friend now; they have to pass my test. It isn't easy. So, I'm basically not giving anyone any chance.

Another big thing is the fact that I've never been comfortable with my own age group. I've always tended to hang out with the older crowd. This has never really been a problem, because they've never been that much older than me. But now that I've grown, they're making big changes. Going on missions. Going to college. Moving away forever. It's not going well in my favor.

My family is great. But we are all so disconnected. My only brother is in his 30's, and so is my only sister. I'd love to tell them my sad tales, like all of you folks who's families are so close. But they're both married, and have their own families to worry about. If I could, I would talk to my parents, but they only seem to understand a minimal amount of what I tell them.

I just feel so alone. And all I want is someone to talk to.

I'm just blown away.

ROUGH

It's just getting harder and harder, guys.

I'm going through so many emotional trials right now; I feel like my whole body is going to explode. Basically though, it's just sadness. Like, unbearable sadness. And for once, I'm going to articulate it as a sort of counterpart to that previous novel of a post, rather than sort of let it all gush out uncontrollably. Here goes.

I'm still going through this whole thing with my dad, and my pressure to keep up with him and all, but that's not really it. Well, for now at least. My problem as of late is more in my social circle, rather than family circle.

So, I have this friend.
This friend probably knows who they are.
If they see this, I just might get some heat for it.
But, anyway.

So, my friend and I have known each other since last year, respectively. In fact, and this is a little weird, but I actually know the exact date and time when we met for the first time; it was August 5th 2011, at 6:42 pm. I know this because it was at a concert, and it was my first concert ever. I still have the flyer. And as my friend said my name, I was checking my watch. So, there ya have it. We didn't really ever get together during the summer. We had a class together when school started though, and we sat right next to each other.

By this point, this person ought to be certain it's them. Just pointing it out.

We got aquatinted, and we became friends really quickly. She even came over to my house every day for that entire week. It was great. And then, out of the blue, nothing. She stopped talking to me for a day. Just a day. Then, we were friends again. You may be saying, "Aw, James, a day ain't so bad. You'll cheer up." And you're most certainly right; I did. But that's aside the point. Point is, this became a pattern. Nothing too harsh; just that she wouldn't come over for a while, or I wouldn't go to her house, etc. We were still friends at school. So, our friendship waned a little every so often, only to wax a little more.
So, last weekend, I did fun stuff with this friend of mine. It was great. But now, this person won't talk to me. Avoids me like the plague. I know it's to be expected; part of the cycle. But the cycle hasn't ever gone this long. Don't know why; no idea what I did. In fact, the only thing this person has said to me in the entire week is "Hi James Talbot." Twice.

I'm dying, here, guys.

I'm confused.

So is he.